I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
