that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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