You're completely useless in the revolution.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
