Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
