I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
