I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize