I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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