nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sarcasm needs its own font
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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