The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
