her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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