I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
