every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
