i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
