Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You have to summon your inner elephant
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
