the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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