Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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