so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
