Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
