i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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