dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
