And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize