Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize