9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your penis caused this!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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