Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
