just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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