I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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