FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
