White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
