I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
