Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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