2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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