I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
