I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
