My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
