I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
