I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize