I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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