My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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