I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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