The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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