I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
