well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
