Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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