he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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