I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
