If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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