R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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