Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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