got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
