You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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