Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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