Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize