mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
