I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
