Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
