Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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