so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize