plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
