I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
