You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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