My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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