Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
