Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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