I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
