I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I did not marry a roomba.
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