If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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