You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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