Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
